Listen! It’s their little secret. They planted squirrels over every campus, all over the world. Squirrels to clean up the trash around campuses. If there are no squirrels, they start breeding them there. Takes away our janitorial jobs, so they don’t have to pay as many people to work. They call me crazy, threaten my job, because I know!
A little history lesson for the unenlightened: James Pierpont introduced rats to Yale. They worked, but they wigged out the students. People just don’t like rats much. Harvard took the idea and started using squirrels. They were like rats except they they had bushy tails and bounced around and looked cute. Pierpont never forgave John Leveritt, the president of Harvard at the time. That’s actually why the rivalry started. True story! I’m a custodian at Stanford. I know things, ya know? Gotta keep one ear to the ground, hear the heartbeat of the grounds.
Yeah, but we got to get rid of those squirrels takin’ all our jobs. I’m writin’ to the SEIU about this! Maybe with a push from the union, we can get these colleges to stop outsourcing our jobs to rodents! “Hire a custodian! Eat a squirrel!” That’s the ticket. Yeah…
Awesome Pie! 