Ivy League Scandal

Listen! It’s their little secret. They planted squirrels over every campus, all over the world. Squirrels to clean up the trash around campuses. If there are no squirrels, they start breeding them there. Takes away our janitorial jobs, so they don’t have to pay as many people to work. They call me crazy, threaten my job, because I know!

A little history lesson for the unenlightened: James Pierpont introduced rats to Yale. They worked, but they wigged out the students. People just don’t like rats much. Harvard took the idea and started using squirrels. They were like rats except they they had bushy tails and bounced around and looked cute. Pierpont never forgave John Leveritt, the president of Harvard at the time. That’s actually why the rivalry started. True story! I’m a custodian at Stanford. I know things, ya know? Gotta keep one ear to the ground, hear the heartbeat of the grounds.

Yeah, but we got to get rid of those squirrels takin’ all our jobs. I’m writin’ to the SEIU about this! Maybe with a push from the union, we can get these colleges to stop outsourcing our jobs to rodents! “Hire a custodian! Eat a squirrel!” That’s the ticket. Yeah…



Filed under Flash Fiction, Session XII

2 responses to “Ivy League Scandal

  1. ingrid

    LOL! the writing style made me think of Jack Kerouac’s “on the road” for a minute. The way things are going with the economy all of the greedy corporate CEO’s probably WOULD use squirrels to clean garbage so they won’t have to actually pay anyone.

    Also, did you take your headline from the Mighty Boosh? they have a skit where they constantly say, “doooo youuuuu likeeee pieeeeee?”

  2. awesomepie

    You know, next time I go to the library, I’m picking up some Kerouac. I keep hearing about how I’m like the guy and I’ve never even read his stuff yet.

    Also: Mighty Boosh? Sounds Canadian [googledit: no, they’re British]. I actually took that tagline from an actual note I passed to a friend in class. I was thinking of changing it the other day, but maybe it’s better not to mess with things too much or too often.

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