Tag Archives: Wolf Blitzer

Wolf Blitzer: the untold story (revision)

***You can thank my girlfriend for convincing me to add this one to the anthology.

 

Wolf Blitzer may be the oldest vampire that has ever existed. According to recent historical evidence, and occult researcher Dr. Moose Aldman, Blitzer has likely walked the earth for several millennia.

This assertion has caused a stir in some of the more conservative circles of the unliving that consider Dracula the exalted father of vampirism.

On the other side of the argument, a fast-growing cult of vampires has formed a religion around the Wolf, waking up early every evening to watch The Situation Room. The Order of the Wolfians, as its members call themselves, believes that Blitzer is actually the original and purest vampire.

This sect, all male, keeps its beards and sideburns uniformly trimmed at a #2 setting on their electric razors. If need be, the beards are bleached in order to emulate their deity.

Rumors have circulated that the Wolfians keep secret records of Wolf Blitzer’s enigmatic past, but the Order accepts no interviews and every attempt to infiltrate the group over the decades has resulted in dead bodies, their blood drained and faces shaved clean.

According Boston occult researcher Moose Aldman, the first records of Wolf Blitzer are legends from the Black Forest in Germany passed down through oral tradition. “The Wolf” appears in Medieval fairy tales and ghost stories designed scare children from running off into the woods. German archaeologists and historians have long speculated over a large amount of deaths in the area dated from the 12th century.

“[He] was brutal and deliberate in his killings. If the mood caught him, he would depopulate entire cities.”

During the Crusades, he earned the monicker “Blitzer” after besieging the walls of Jerusalem.

“When they ran out of corpses to catapult over the walls, records say that an old bearded man took two axes to the wall and attempted to scale it in the dead of night. Fortunately for the people of Jerusalem, an archer spotted Blitzer fired an arrow into his shoulder, causing him to lose his grip and fall.”

By World War II, The Wolf had taken the name “Wolf Blitzer” and continued his lust for blood by fighting for the Germans on the Soviet front.

Unlike many of his vampire brethren, Wolf has tended not to hide his identity, living much more like a monster than a human being. Much to the puzzlement of recent experts, Blitzer has worn the beard of T.V. journalism for the past few decades with little incident.

His current position as a television personality has caused researchers to question the validity of previous records, or whether this Wolf Blitzer is the “real” one. Some say that his demeanor has changed in this recent century or that he has turned to religion.

Aldman says that Blitzer is biding his time for some larger plan.

“There are gaps in the historical documents in which he will lays low rather than kill indiscriminately.”

If they truly do have secret knowledge, it could be that only The Order of the Wolfians knows Blitzer’s true purpose, if they know anything at all. Aldman believes there is a clue in their mantra: “We are with you in the Situation Room, Wolf Blitzer.”

“Blitzer is nothing if not shrewd. He is building an army, hatching a plan for some horrible future atrocity, and we should all be worried.”

Only time will tell whether Aldman’s theories are all just wild conspiracy or if Blitzer truly is the proverbial wolf in sheep’s clothing.

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The News

The old man frowned at the television screen.

“I hate Lou Dobbs and his fat head! Who even listens to this guy? All he does is rant all day about things he hates! Nobody cares!” He shouted, cupping his mouth at the T.V.

“Obviously, somebody cares,” his wife said, stirring up some cookie batter in the kitchen area. “A lot of people watch his show, honey.”

“Yeah, well people are idiots!”

“You can’t say that everyone’s an idiot.”

“Yes I can! They’re all a bunch of whiners and bigots on this program and I hate it! When did the news get to be 24 hours of crap anyway?”

“Ronaldo! Language!”

“Sorry, dear.”

“We have our grandkids coming by. I don’t want to hear any of that while talk when the little ones are around!”

“I know!” he dismissed the rebuke with his remote control hand. “I promise my talk will be all candy and roses with the little puerquitos.

“Enough of that!”

“Well, their parents feed them too much. Always feeding them, like they are going hungry at every meal. It doesn’t help that you are making them cookies.”

“I am making them cookies because I love them! You get off your fat, lazy butt and do something yourself!” She ran over to him with her spoon and hit him on the head. “Now, go and wash this spoon off and then wash your hair. We’re having visitors!”

“But I’ll miss Wolf Blitzer! I love that guy!” But he marched to the sink, batter in his hair. It was best not to argue with her when she got so unreasonable like this.

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Filed under Flash Fiction, Session XVII

Little Dachschund, Big World

The smallest dog was just recorded by the Guinness Book of World Records on Saturday in the city of Plainfield. The 2-year-old dachshund named Bodie is just over 7 centimeters long at full size. He is healthy enough and he doesn’t eat much, but he was difficult for his owners, Bob and Gloria Mumford, to take care of him at first. The Mumfords had to keep track of him with a magnifying glass. They tried taking him for walks for a few weeks, but when he got lost one time in the front yard, it took the frazzled couple a day and a half to find him. They had found the poor pooch yapping at a beetle. Now, they keep him in a hamster cage with plenty of food and water, though they’re thinking of expanding the tubes in his crawl space to move around the room. He gets lonely when they leave to go to the other side of the living area to watch T.V. and it’s a hassle to lug around that large plastic cage every time they want to watch Wolf Blitzer on their big screen. A specialist comes only every other week now to check up on his health. The Mumfords say that it’s a pointless task. “Aside from being unusually small, Bodie’s unusually healthy. We’ve never had a problem with him.” Looks like Bodie will be living the dog’s life for a long time.

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Filed under Flash Fiction, Session VIII

Wolf Blitzer’s interview with Dr. Herman Berkman

Wolf Blitzer: And joining us now is Dr. Herman Berkman, the first surgeon to operate through telekinesis. Thanks very much for taking the time with us.

Dr. Herman Berkman: Not at all, Wolf. It’s a pleasure to be here.

Blitzer: You are a very skilled surgeon, but you work only with your mind, not your hands. Tell us, how does that work?

Berkman: Well, Wolf, it’s really a strange thing. When I first realized I was psychic, I thought I’d been bit by a radioactive spider or something. It turns out, it’s just a talent like any other. I won’t go into the ugly details, but there are parts of the brain that we have no idea what they do. People who lose the ability to see or hear will have their brains rewire themselves to use their other senses in ways that shouldn’t normally be possible. I once met a young boy who could smell colors. There’s a lot we’re learning about the brain nowadays. It’s really very fascinating.

Blitzer: You have a practice you’re opening, correct? What can you tell us about it?

Berkman: Well, it’s a rather unorthodox practice. In a normal hospital, there’s a concentration on very traditional techniques. No one wants to experiment with people’s lives. However, this is a place very much of experimentation at this point. All our patients have to sign a whole bunch of paperwork, but it’s all very legal. Not everyone’s comfortable with a psychic surgery. We’ve had some dissent from certain religious groups and politicians, but I assure you that when it’s done right, it’s the most sanitary way of performing a surgery.

Blitzer: Well, I have a quote from Governor Mike Huckabee that your practice is very dangerous. It says here that “Dr. Berkman is a man stumbling around in the dark, like a toddler playing with matches. I’m really worried about his patients. The mind can stray so easily from cutting a straight and narrow path.” Would you like to react to that?

Berkman: You know, Wolf, I always played with my food as a child. I think that’s a good sign of a surgeon. I know that sounds weird, but there’s really no progress without exploration. When I started this, I wasn’t doing neurosurgery and none of the doctors in my practice are even close to that, either. When I saw at a pretty girl at the beach the other day, I didn’t really see a nice set of abs. All I saw were the duodenum down to the lower intestines. With all due respect to Mr. Huckabee, I think he’s comparing me to someone who’s not completely passionate about what he does. When I’m in the operating room, I can’t afford to fail. If I thought there was any danger to the patient because of the way I was operating, I would just hand the scalpel over.

Blitzer: Do you think, then, that you are a more capable person than most people?

Berkman: I think I’m a more capable surgeon than most, yes. I don’t like what you’re implying with that question, though, Wolf.

Blitzer: I’m not implying. I’m only asking.

Berkman: Well, I’m not a megalomaniac or anything.

Blitzer: No one’s calling you that.

Berkman: Good.

Blitzer: We’re out of time. I just wanted to finish with one more question. What do you think the future of surgery looks like from your perspective?

Berkman: I’m glad you asked. My practice really opens a lot of opportunities for many people who don’t have the opportunities that healthy surgeons have. I have one young man working with me by the name of Dr. Jones who was born with muscular dystrophy. He’s pretty much locked into his wheelchair. But he can hold a scalpel with his mind and he does it very well. Before that, he was just collecting money from the government, not able to get a real job. Now he’s a very successful doctor. Psychic surgery can really open up a lot of opportunites, not only for the patients, but for the doctors as well.

Thanks, Dr. Berkman. We really enjoyed having you with us. Good luck with your practice.

Berkman: Thank you, Wolf.

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Filed under Flash Fiction, Session VIII

Wolf Blitzer: the Untold Story

Wolf Blitzer may be the oldest vampire that has ever lived (so to speak). It is said in some circles of the unliving that he is over 10,000 years old. In fact, a particular cult of vampires has formed a religion around Wolf, waking up early every evening to watch The Situation Room. The Order of the Wolfians, as they call themselves, believe that Wolf Blitzer is the father of all vampires. The Wolfians grow their beards out, dying them white (if coloring is required) in order to emulate their deity. Rumors have circulated about the Wolfians having secret records of Wolf Blitzer’s enigmatic past, but the Order accepts no interviews and every attempt to infiltrate the group has resulted in piles of clean-shaven bodies over the decades.

The oldest known records of Wolf Blitzer are merely legends from the Black Forest in Germany. There, he was called “The Wolf” by the surrounding villages. Over time, stories of The Wolf became merely ghost stories to scare children from running off into the woods. But it is well known by German archaeologists and historians that something killed a great many people during the 1500s, even creating one ghost town.

The Wolf, in every record of his existence, is as brutal as he is deliberate in his killings. He doesn’t feed just to feed, but rather enjoys himself. During the Crusades, he earned the monicker “Blitzer” after assaulting the walls of Jerusalem. When he ran out of rocks and corpses to catapault over the walls, reports say that an old bearded man took two axes to the wall and attempted to scale it in the dead of night. Fortunately for the people of Jerusalem, an archer spotted Blitzer about to enter the walls and managed to fire an arrow into his shoulder. By World War II, Wolf Blitzer continued his lust for blood by killing Russians.

Unlike his vampire brethren, Wolf refused to remain inconspicuous. That is, until these last few decades. His current position as a television personality has caused occult researchers to question the validity of previous documents. Some say that he has found a benevolent god to worship. Others say that he is biding his time for something, that there are gaps in the historical documents in which he has done other things in his time than kill indiscriminately. It could be that only The Order of the Wolfians knows his true purpose, if they know anything at all. As the Wolfians mantra goes: “We are with you in the Situation Room, Wolf Blitzer.” Perhaps there is more to this saying than we know. I will have to conduct more research.

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Filed under Flash Fiction, Session VIII