Wolf Blitzer: the untold story (revision)

***You can thank my girlfriend for convincing me to add this one to the anthology.


Wolf Blitzer may be the oldest vampire that has ever existed. According to recent historical evidence, and occult researcher Dr. Moose Aldman, Blitzer has likely walked the earth for several millennia.

This assertion has caused a stir in some of the more conservative circles of the unliving that consider Dracula the exalted father of vampirism.

On the other side of the argument, a fast-growing cult of vampires has formed a religion around the Wolf, waking up early every evening to watch The Situation Room. The Order of the Wolfians, as its members call themselves, believes that Blitzer is actually the original and purest vampire.

This sect, all male, keeps its beards and sideburns uniformly trimmed at a #2 setting on their electric razors. If need be, the beards are bleached in order to emulate their deity.

Rumors have circulated that the Wolfians keep secret records of Wolf Blitzer’s enigmatic past, but the Order accepts no interviews and every attempt to infiltrate the group over the decades has resulted in dead bodies, their blood drained and faces shaved clean.

According Boston occult researcher Moose Aldman, the first records of Wolf Blitzer are legends from the Black Forest in Germany passed down through oral tradition. “The Wolf” appears in Medieval fairy tales and ghost stories designed scare children from running off into the woods. German archaeologists and historians have long speculated over a large amount of deaths in the area dated from the 12th century.

“[He] was brutal and deliberate in his killings. If the mood caught him, he would depopulate entire cities.”

During the Crusades, he earned the monicker “Blitzer” after besieging the walls of Jerusalem.

“When they ran out of corpses to catapult over the walls, records say that an old bearded man took two axes to the wall and attempted to scale it in the dead of night. Fortunately for the people of Jerusalem, an archer spotted Blitzer fired an arrow into his shoulder, causing him to lose his grip and fall.”

By World War II, The Wolf had taken the name “Wolf Blitzer” and continued his lust for blood by fighting for the Germans on the Soviet front.

Unlike many of his vampire brethren, Wolf has tended not to hide his identity, living much more like a monster than a human being. Much to the puzzlement of recent experts, Blitzer has worn the beard of T.V. journalism for the past few decades with little incident.

His current position as a television personality has caused researchers to question the validity of previous records, or whether this Wolf Blitzer is the “real” one. Some say that his demeanor has changed in this recent century or that he has turned to religion.

Aldman says that Blitzer is biding his time for some larger plan.

“There are gaps in the historical documents in which he will lays low rather than kill indiscriminately.”

If they truly do have secret knowledge, it could be that only The Order of the Wolfians knows Blitzer’s true purpose, if they know anything at all. Aldman believes there is a clue in their mantra: “We are with you in the Situation Room, Wolf Blitzer.”

“Blitzer is nothing if not shrewd. He is building an army, hatching a plan for some horrible future atrocity, and we should all be worried.”

Only time will tell whether Aldman’s theories are all just wild conspiracy or if Blitzer truly is the proverbial wolf in sheep’s clothing.


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