Ben walks up to the trampoline, stretches out his hamstrings and his quadriceps. He’s wearing his lucky sweatband, his lucky wristbands, his favorite sweatshirt, and his most comfortable sweat pants (also lucky). He leans over to click on his enormous boombox. Out of its speakers echoes ’80s hit song “Jump” by Van Halen.
Ben’s tennis shoes squeak across the floor as he moonwalks to the trampoline and backflips onto it. He bounces a few times, to get some air, thrusting his pelvis to the music and winking to all the female fans of competitive trampolining in the audience. They scream and swoon at Ben’s sexy moves.
At the apex of his indecent leaping, Ben breaks off into a triple reverse somersault. He bounds off of the canvas into a quadruple spin and again into a quintuple pelvic thrust. Now the men are screaming and swooning. The entire auditorium is bedlam.
Ben finishes his performance by jumping down head-first, shocking the audience into silence. He puts his hands out at the last second to push himself up into the air and back onto his feet, landing next to his boombox. It is only until Van Halen completely fades out that the crowd erupts into a roaring applause. Ben is retroactively awarded all the gold medals ever made.