I don’t know why, but daddy says he wants “pizza mind.” He says that when mommy left and gramma died, he was gonna find his pizza mind. I told him I’d help him find it, but he said he needs to find it by himself.
Daddy spends a lot of the day sitting by himself. He sits Indian-style in his room with his eyes closed. Daddy told me that he’s looking inside himself to make himself a better person. I told him he’s already a better person, but he just laughs at me. I don’t think he likes what he sees inside, ’cause he always looks like he’s hurting.
I had a nightmare one night that I’d found my pizza mind. I could see myself opening up my own head and there was a pizza with pepperonis and sausage and green peppers inside. It was weird because I don’t like green peppers at all! I wasn’t scared of the pizza in my head or anything, but when I found my pizza mind, I had this really scary smile. It wasn’t like a bad smile. It was just that I couldn’t stop smiling, even if I was scared. It was like the me in my dream wasn’t really me.
I woke up after midnight and I saw daddy in the living room staring at the dancing ants on Gramma’s old bunny-ears T.V. He said he brought it down from the attic because tonight was the last night anyone could watch T.V. on bunny-ears T.V. I thought it was sad that gramma’s T.V. wouldn’t work anymore. Daddy turned it off and took me to go potty and go back to bed. I had another nightmare that I was being chased and I woke up early again, but I didn’t get out of bed until the sun came up.
When I got up, I saw Daddy was up. He was eating Cheerios and he had milk on his chin. I told him about the nightmares I had and that I didn’t want him to find his pizza mind. He laughed at me and my heart jumped up in my chest. He had the same smile like in my nightmare.