Now everyone knows that California hates Texas and Texas doesn’t think much of California, but there was one day when the Golden State bested the reigning champ. It all started, as most fights do, with a simple misunderstanding. California didn’t like Texas’s rotund shape and Texas didn’t like how thin and tall California was. Texas called California “pretty boy” and California called Texas “a state full of fat, ugly people with fat, ugly hats.” Nobody knows for sure who issued the first attack, but I reckon it was Texas. Nobody insults a Texan’s hat.
For the first wave, Texas sent out their pawns, the Alamo reenactors. They came out, fake pistols blazing. The Goliad reenactors would have come, too, if they’d gotten the memo, but someone must’ve not remembered them. The Screen Actors Guild met them in kind with their own fancier fake guns, but they retreated when they realized that every Texan actually does carry a gun on them. It was a bloodbath until Clint Eastwood took the field. His stare alone killed tens of thousands. People in Oklahoma went insane because they felt like they could feel his eyes watching him. Casualties of war.
As the dust settle from the Earth itself shivering at Eastwood’s steely glare, George W. Bush and Arnold Schwarzenegger were duking it out. Not too many people really cared, though, and they could have both died when Texas unleashed their death row prisoners in a terrifying stampede of condemned men. Then again, the Today Show featured the story for a month straight. Al Roker made a few good jokes but the rest just yapped about like a buncha bobble heads.
Regardless of the outcome, their scuffle was overshadowed by the battle of cowboys versus Indians. The cowboys were stoked about the fight, but the Indians never showed. They were all back home banging their wives and girlfriends like any smart man would have done. California had some cowboys, too, but not real ones, and they were banging each other. So the real cowboys got drunk and started killing each other. By the end, Texas went back home, drunk and tired. California was triumphant, but only by default.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Chuck Norris would have killed them all with one roundhouse kick!” Well, did it ever occur to you that ol’ Chuck had better things to do than kill millions of people with a roundhouse kick? No, probably not, but there’s some lore that only us old folk pass around anymore. It’s said that Chuck Norris only appears for 69 years (a number Chuck chose himself), destroying evil with roundhouse kicks, then he sleeps for another thousand in the center of the Earth. What we’ve seen is the end of a golden age. With Chuck gone, even the greatest of empires can fall to the hands of a bunch of surfers and long-haired weirdos.