Ingredients:
2 pieces of toasted Wonder Bread (toasting optional)
1 piece of bologna
1 piece of Kraft cheddar slices
1 or more heaping spoonfuls of mayonnaise, to taste
12-pack of beer (splurge on something festive, like pumpkin spice or winter ale. It’s Thanksgiving, after all)
1 porno
Directions:
Call your parents and tell them you’re heading to a friend’s house for Thanksgiving. If they live close to you, then you’re out of town on business or, again, visiting a friend. If you have no friends, just throw out a name. What do they know about your personal life, anyway? They never cared about you when you were a kid and the only reason they keep tabs on you now is because they can’t stand the sight of each other now that your dad’s retired and they want you to take them in when they get too old to wipe themselves. Make the phone call short. You still need to get showered and dress to visit your “friend.” Tell them he has a fiancée who has friends and family coming over. You have to look freshen up and bring a dessert. Ignore your mom’s question about when you’re ever going to find a nice girl and settle down. She won’t press the matter anyway, since she figures your friend’s fiancée will probably hook you up with someone. Remind her that you have to go get dressed. She’ll hang up satisfied that you’re finally hanging with good company. As soon as you hang up, you’re ready to start preparing dinner.
Assembling bologna sandwich: For a toasted sandwich, put bread into toaster. The toast is only just tall enough to give you a false sense of security before burning your damn hands on the metal top, so remember to push up the tab with one hand and take the toast out with the other. Have plate ready. If you have no clean plates, just use your hand. Take butter knife and slather desired amount of mayonnaise on bread. Stack pre-sliced cheese on bologna slice and place in between bread.
Put porno in your DVD player. Change setting on TV to video 1. Start popping open beers with your bottle opener keychain. Take a sip every time you see boobies and chug the rest whenever there’s a money shot. Eat some of the sandwich in between sips. It will soak up a little of the beer. Now that you’re shitfaced and the movie’s over, change the channel back to normal TV. Food network. Some hot blond is cooking Thanksgiving food. Imagine bending her over the counter and start jerking off. Pass out with a line of your spunk still running down your thigh. It should dry by the time Iron Chef comes on. Thanksgiving is technically over by then anyway.
Awesome Pie! 